12.04.2013

why am i so favored? reflections on waiting, wondering, and hoping this advent season


Below is a talk I shared at my church last advent season (December 2012)

Luke 1: 26-56 

Luke 2:17-20

Why am I so favored?

Elizabeth asks this question when Mary comes to her to share her news from the angel Gabriel. “Why am I so favored, that the mother of my Lord should come to me?”

As a mother, I ask myself this question every day: Why am I so favored? I have always wanted to be a mother. As a little girl, dolls were my toys of choice- I carried “my baby” with me everywhere from the time I could walk. I rocked my babies and fed my babies and changed my babies. I looked forward to nothing more than becoming a mom and having a baby of my own someday. As soon as I was old enough I started babysitting. Pretty soon, I was padding my teenage piggy bank with money from regular babysitting jobs. I loved caring for children…even when Legos were tossed, feet were stomped, arms were crossed, and that nauseating purple dinosaur bleated a constant chorus in the background.

When I reached adulthood, met my love, and got married, becoming a mother became more of a reality. A couple of married years passed, and we decided to expand our family. And we planned. I read books… and blogs (probably too many blogs)…and took vitamins…and visited the doctor…and prayed. And I wondered…will I be so favored? Our journey into parenthood began on a Tuesday morning when two pink lines literally changed our lives forever. We were going to have a baby. I was going to become a mother.

Mary didn’t have two pink lines to tell her she was going to have a baby. She and Joseph didn’t wait anxiously for 3 full minutes to know what the future held. She didn’t call Elizabeth the morning she woke up feeling just a little bit sick, wondering, “could it be?” No…Mary’s life changed forever when an angel came to her and told her she would soon carry a baby boy who would grow up to become the Savior of our world. She had found favor with God, and He entrusted her to carry and give birth to “the Son of the Most High,” the Lord whose “kingdom will never end.” Why was she so favored?

Last Christmas I was carrying a baby boy. I didn’t know he was a boy, but I felt the kicks and turns and flutters of a baby growing inside me, and I felt like being pregnant at such a holy time was so special. I knew he wasn’t the savior of our world, but I knew he was someone special and would bring blessings to not only Chris and me but to so many around us. I could never have imagined or planned for the bouncing, joyful, wondrous gift that Colin is to us. Born just 3 days shy of Easter (due to be born on Good Friday), he is, in many ways, our own little savior- a wonderful reminder of the gift of new life, innocence, and love.

I wonder how Mary felt carrying Jesus in her belly. Did she have any idea of the gift she was bearing to the world? Did she worry? Was she afraid? Did she wonder how she was going to do it- mother our Lord and Savior? Did she have her doubts? Did she wonder about the future? Or was that too much for her to bear? Did she question whether or not this was truly a blessing? I don’t know Mary’s thoughts throughout her pregnancy, but I do know that upon reflecting on the news, she rejoiced: “My soul glorifies the Lord and my spirit rejoices in God my Savior, for he has been mindful of the humble state of his servant…holy is his name.”

The morning I learned of our news, I didn’t immediately rejoice. I was terrified. No book or blog had prepared me for that moment when I knew I would be bringing a child into this world- a child Chris and I would be responsible for raising to become an upstanding human being. At least Mary knew she was getting a pretty good kid- he was the savior after all. I, quite frankly, had no idea. Was I ready for this? No, I wasn’t ready. We weren’t ready. That is why 9 months separated us from the 2 pink lines and the incredible moment when the doctor lifted up our son and said “It’s a boy!” Like Mary, despite my initial fear, I did feel blessed to have been called to such a magnificent task as parenting. I may not have carried a Savior but I see parenting as magnificent gift and opportunity. Chris emailed me a poem from an on-line devotional one day called the Art of Parenting. The words of this poem reassured me that as parents, we were going to be ok. It even prompted me to write a letter to our unborn child. 

A Letter to Colin (written before he was born)

Parenting as Art by: Gordon Atkinson

you do your best you do what seems right in your gut

often maybe even mostly you dont know why you do what you do

and somehow in the delightful mix of your sin and your sorrow and your joy the two of you bringing your best and 

your worst to this

a unique and lovely human forms and comes into being

carrying your sins and your virtues often magnified and being broken and human and wonderful like you

Dear Little One,

Daddy sent me this yesterday while I spent another day on bed rest with you. I love the words of this poem. And I have been thinking a lot lately not just about parenting as an art but about parenting as a calling. Your dad and I are broken and so very human…and together in our love for one another, we chose to bring another broken, human, and yet so wonderful being into this world. We are not perfect. You are not perfect. But you were made perfectly. And we were made perfectly. God made us perfectly. Our very humanness, though, takes the perfectly created creations that we are and renders us imperfect beings.

What I like about this poem is that it reminds me that our best and our worst are coming together to make something so wonderful. You are already so wonderful. A mixture of what makes us as your parents both wonderful and not so wonderful at the same time. The mix of sin, sorrow and joy is described as a “delightful mix.” It takes all of that to create an amazing life together. It isn’t all perfect. We make our mistakes. There are traits we wish we didn’t posses, actions we wish we had never taken, words we wish we had never spoken. All of these things are part of the delightful mix that is our life.

Parenting is a calling because it pushes us outside of our limits, our self-created boxes and walls, and asks us to give of ourselves in a way that is bigger and heavier and more grace-filled than anything else we could give our lives to. Before we got pregnant with you, I knew that being a mother was a calling for me…or at least I wanted it to be my calling. I knew it was a calling because while it delighted me in my innermost being, it also terrified me to the core. I knew it was not something I could do, or that we could do, without God’s help and blessing. The only way two imperfect people can take on the monumental task of parenting is to rely on God’s infinite wisdom.

Our commitment to you, little one, is to continue to follow this calling as we would with any other. This is not a task we take lightly. We cannot promise we will be perfect in this endeavor. But we will commit to calling on God’s support and wisdom…which will itself come in so many forms through friends and family and experiences…to raise you in the best possible home with a palpable love that you will never have to question. 

Love, Momma

This letter was one way I prepared for our son’s birth- it was an opportunity for me to reflect on who I would be as a mother…who we would be as parents. I don’t know how Mary prepared for her son’s arrival. I don’t know if she talked Joseph’s ear off or spent time alone thinking about what the future would hold. I do imagine that she was a reflective individual. The Bible tells us that after Jesus’ birth, the shepherds spread the word of his coming and all “who heard it were amazed.” But Mary responded by “treasur[ing] up all these things and ponder[ing] them in her heart.”

As a working mother I have a hard time just “pondering” and treasuring up this special time- I forget to just breathe and be ok sitting amidst the unvaccumed carpets and the dust settling in the corners of my home. I want to constantly move and go and clean and organize. But I want to be more like Mary. And, I see Advent as the perfect time to do this. Advent is the time for us to remember that each of us here are favored. We are all favored- because we are loved beyond any human capacity by our God.

During this Advent season, let us reflect on this favor we have received despite our sinful natures. Let us open our hearts as Mary did during this time of preparation and waiting. In the midst of our own self-doubt; the mistakes we inevitably make as parents, caregivers, children, and friends; the chaos of our ambitious lives- Let us slow down and remember that none of us deserves the favor that has been afforded us through the gift of Jesus Christ and yet it has been gifted to each of us. Let us open our hearts to this favor and rejoice as Mary did- for the Mighty One has done great things for us… and Holy is his name.

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