the Brutiful life

Before I get to this entry's title, can I just say that I LOVE being a mom?!  I never realized how much I would love this part of life so much. For sure it is exhausting and frustrating and even annoying at times...but even after a morning of thrown food and sippy cups, crying because he wants to go outside but can't, and a meltdown because we put the puffs ON HIS TRAY when he would rather get them out of the container himself...I still LOVE being a mom!

Colin continues to fill our lives with such wonder, and I am amazed each day at what he is learning and developing. We were showing him a picture of a polar bear in his new Noisy Zoo book. I swear he immediately starting saying "br."  You can ask him "where's the monkey?" when he has one on this shirt, and he'll point right to it. Of course, you can ask him that same question and now he just points to his shirt, even if it has a crab on it :)  He points at everything and sometimes just says "dis?" which sounds to me like he may honestly be asking "what is this?"  So, we tell him. At the lake this past week, he picked up his own version of the words "boat" "bird" and "duck" as we saw ALOT of those during the week.

Ah, life as a mom is so brutiful...("brutiful"- brutal and yet beautiful all at the same time).

When we are at the lake, one of my favorite things to do is take the jet ski out on the water. I prefer to do this in the early, early morning when the water is smooth as glass (and I mean this nearly literally...it is that smooth). It is so fun to pick up speed and just glide across the water. I usually avoid the late morning/afternoon rides because more boats are out and the water is choppier, which adds a level of anxiety for me as the jet ski bounces up and down making me feel like at any moment I could fly off.

But this year, early mornings were spent feeding and playing with an adorable 14 month old while the rest of the house slept. The only time I was able to go out, the choppiness had begun.  But this year, that did not stop me. This year, I took a chance. I headed out into the choppiness, increased my speed, and just reveled in the bounces and water splashing in my face.  And as I found myself purposely seeking out the choppier spots, just so I could rev up my speed and feel all the glorious bumps, I began to see a metaphor for life that I want to follow.

Bumping across the lake this particular late morning, I thought to myself: "Why do I always avoid this?  What is the worst that could happen?" Most likely, the "worst" is being bumped off and swallowing a whole bunch of nasty lake water. So, really, is it that bad?  So, I continued to seek out those bumps because it was invigorating and well worth the risk that came with it.

Those questions above are about more than just the bumps on the water. They are about the bumps and unknown of life in general. As one who has always avoided the bumps as much as possible, I am realizing that I may just have been missing out on some of the more invigorating bits of life. Those bumps can often lead to places of wonder and amazement that only come from those risks we are willing to take.

Out on the water that day, I thought about some of those things I have seen others do to which I often respond, "Oh, but I could never do that."  The impromptu 3 day road trip to see Niagra Falls with friends; the decision to move to NYC with no job and no connections to live in a city that speaks to me no matter what kind of job I may find; the decision to pick up and move to a foreign country so that my child can have a multi-cultural, multi-coastal experience.

Now, some of the above certainly have risks that far outweigh the wonder that may come out of it, but not all of them do. And while I am not suggesting that Chris and I just pick up and move our family to Costa Rica, I am suggesting that we sometimes stop analyzing and just "do" in life. 

So what does this all mean to me as a mother?  Well, as a mother, I want Colin to understand and be willing to take risks (calculated risks, risks that wouldn't lead him directly into a path of danger). I want him to try new things without the fear that he will be no good at them.  I want him to fall in love and be willing to express that that vulnerable love with his future life partner. I want him to reach out to the "new kid" at school when no one else will. I want him to try the choppy waters every once in a while rather than enjoying the safety net of the shore.  

As a woman, mother and partner, I am well aware that giving my heart to someone in marriage and together creating another little heart for this world is highly risky...because there are choppy waters (disagreements, toddler tantrums), but they are choppy waters worth navigating.  In my opinion, I would rather love too much than not all. I would rather feel frustrated and exhausted after an evening of toddler tantrums and thrown blocks than never parent at all.  Because those choppy waters are worth it. A life full of bumps and risks is so rewarding because those bumps only last a short while (and, yes, will continue to show up again and again), and life can feel that much more amazing when the smooth waters return. 

All of that to say, I love where life is taking us right now. I welcome the choppy waters and will revel in them when they come and then rejoice mightily when we find ourselves in between them. 

No one is perfect. No life is perfect. The bumps will come and they will go. But let me just say that I am so thankful for this brutiful life that God has chosen for us to lead.

i never realized

I recently said I could write a novel about what this past year has meant to me. I am not ready to write that novel, but this blog is a good place to start. There is so much more to come.

Over this past year:

I never realized how strong I could be...or how weak. Childbirth is no joke. All pain aside, the sheer energy of waiting, pushing, waiting, pushing, waiting, pushing then ultimately having a c-section completely drained me.

I remember when the doctor came in to tell me she felt that at this point in my labor a c-section was best, I cried. I cried because I wasn't going to have the delivery I expected. I cried because I had not slept in 24 hours. I cried because I was exhausted.

I cried and yet all I could think was, finally, there is an "end" to all of this.

And then I heard my son's cry and I all I could think was, "this is just the beginning."

I never realized how much my body would endure after pregnancy, getting back into shape, nourishing my baby, waking around the clock, being at someone else's constant beck and call.

I have never felt so weak..and yet so strong (as a mother, a nourisher, a caretaker).

I never realized how much I could love my husband. How amazing he would be at loving me and loving our son. How much I need him.

I have never felt so weak or (with him) so strong.

I never realized how much I could love someone so new, so tiny, so needy, so loud, so tiring, so unpredictable.

I never realized how much I could love.

I have never felt so weak.

I have never felt so strong.

weaning

A year-long journey is coming to an end this week.  It will be a gradual ending but one still wrought with a few tears (already shed) and a bittersweet ache in my heart as I say goodbye to what has become a powerful bond between my son and me. 

As we enter the week of C's first birthday, I am beginning the weaning process from breastfeeding. Again, this will be a gradual weaning for both C and me. It won't be completely done for a few weeks, but it is the beginning of the process that is hardest for me.

One year ago, I never thought I'd be here. One year ago as I sat on my couch in tears, my newborn screaming for his next meal, the previous one not yet 2 hours before. One year ago as I sat groggily up in bed night after night, less than 2 hours of sleep between me and the next wake up, nursing a hungry, crying baby, completing a task no one else could do. One year ago as I eeked out just enough milk after a few pump sessions to leave our baby with my husband for a few hours to attend the wedding of a friend.

I understand that I don't have to do this right now. Kellymom.com has a great post on this, and I agree with it. But as a working mother who relies on a pump to feed my child during the day, I am ready to be done. Making time for pump breaks (which I am grateful to have both by law and a supportive work environment) is very difficult in the midst of a busy day. It's been worth it this year, but I can't say I am sad to see it go.

I still plan to nurse each morning and evening as I am able during this time of weaning and hopefully for a few more weeks, maybe even a couple more months. That's the plan, though we will see how it goes.  

I never realized how much I would love sharing this with my child.  I am not a breastfeeding nazi. I believe in every woman and her partner making the choice that is best for their family. Exclusive breastfeeding simply isn't possible for some, and it may even cause more stress for mother and baby to the point that the baby benefits more from a mother choosing not to nurse rather than stressing through it.  My time nursing has been mostly pleasant (save for the pump and those early months when I felt I couldn't do anything without my child) and I am grateful for that. I think that is why this time is much more bittersweet than I expected.

I look forward to a little more freedom in my feeding options for C.  I look forward to continuing to introduce new foods in his diet and watching him explore new tastes.  I look forward to all that is coming as we celebrate his first year of life and watch him grow and develop over this next amazing year.

So for now, I will gradually watch this chapter in our life close knowing that the end and beginning of many, many exciting chapters lie ahead.

I am grateful and amazed that I have been able to completely nourish my child this year.  I look forward to the independence he is slowly gaining and the ability to continue nurturing and supporting him as he grows, takes his first steps, discovers his voice, and creates his own identity in this world. 

what do you do?

There are some wonderful articles and blogposts out there about how you're never failing as a mother, how you can raise your children "perfectly" without having to be perfect, how to overcome our Pinterest-obsessed society and eschew the need to make every holiday a circus-level parade for your child, etc.

I get it.

I don't have to be the perfect mother even in this world of Facebook and social media that somehow leads me to believe every other mother is doing a helluva a lot better than I am.

What do you do when you have those doubts? (I know, every mother has them).

What do you do when your 8 hour a stretch sleeper suddenly screams his head off after only 3 or 4 hours and nothing seems to settle him down but the sound of the shower?

What do you do when you had plans for the evening thwarted by your child having a fit as you fold him back into his carseat for the upteenth time that day (after you've, guiltily, spent 6 hours at work away from him)?

What do you do when you realize you've been doing it all wrong, giving him a "crutch" to sleep when really you just love rocking him until his arms flop and his sweet face is nestled in your chest?

You move on.

You chalk it up to experience. You relish in the moments that are good, that seem perfect, in which you and your child are having the time of your life.

You lean not on your own understanding and trust that it does get better, not that it gets easier, but that you learn to how to deal.

I just need this reminder today, this morning, this Good Friday morning. This Good Friday when, a year ago, our son was due to be born. This day that reminds us that Easter is coming, a new beginning is on the horizon, and Spring will soon be here.

in a moment

I'm in a moment.

Baby sleeping. Head on my shoulder. Breathing even and deep.

I'm in a moment.

I can do this.
This is easy.
Peaceful.
Sweet.

I'm in a moment.

The carpet is unvacuumed. The floors are unmopped. Dust bunnies are marking their territory.

But I'm in a moment.

Pure joy rests on my shoulder right now.

A sleepy arm just flopped to the side.

Nothing else

Matters.

checking in

So it's been nearly a month since I set my 2013 goals.  I thought a post on how those are coming along would be nice. What you will note is that I am not perfect, but I am doing really well at goal # 7 and giving myself a break when I falter.

Here goes...

1. Set (attainable) goals for the new year (check!)...DONE!

2. Complete my Facebook workout challenges- 2 girlfriends I met while on the board of Girls on the Run (both mommas themselves) started a monthly workout challenge FB group recently. I just joined this week. They are "kick your butt" workouts, and my goal is to do them each week- no matter the time. I will make the time.  They can be done in my home so no excuse about not having time to actually make it out to the gym

I have had really great weeks where I get in all workouts and then some. I have also had weeks like this one where it's Saturday and I have only gotten in 2 workouts.  Have I given my all during those 2 workouts? You bet. Are 2 workouts better than no workouts? Absolutely!  Work this week was a bit wacky with an office move, and soreness from moving and unpacking boxes + mental exhaustion after dealing with some challenging situations (Student Affairs never gets boring!) led me to give myself a bit of a break physically. Some morning yoga today, though, was very refreshing.

3. Register for a 10K race in the Spring. I have never run a 10K. 5K,7 miler, 5 miler, half marathon, even a sprint triathlon have all been in my running repertoire, but never a 10K. I really, really wanted to run the Nashville Women's Half this  year, but working + baby juggling has hampered the whole get up and run 10 miles on a Saturday morning bit. I'll get there- maybe in 2014. For this year, a 10K is where I will re-join the running world.

DONE! I am running the Talk Walk Run 10K on April 27th. What I love about this is that it benefits Hear Indiana, which is an organization near and dear to a sweet friend I met through church.  
4. Train for said 10K. Thankful for our baby jogger- a wonderful Christmas gift!

I have downloaded a training plan and begun some pre-conditioning for this. When it was nice and warm this week I even went on a 20 minute easy run outside. No jogger this time, but I do look forward to sharing my runs with my little boy soon enough.
5. Change my attitude- I will make the most of my time at home rather than wishing I had more of said time at home.

Still need to work on this. Being a working mom is TOUGH. Mentally and physically challenging each and every day. Some days I feel like I am a champ! Other days I just feel like I want to crawl into a corner and eat my hair.
6. Go to bed no later than 10 pm each week night. Yes, I will do this. If dishes lie in the sink over night, so be it. I will be in bed by 10 pm to hopefully get at least 7 full hours of sleep each night (barring the occasional wake up from baby C).

Not doing so well with this. Most nights I think I do this, but I do bring work home (part of  my flexible work hours which I really appreciate!) and I am teaching a class this semester on top of my regular work load, so that leads to some late nights (especially if I do try to get in gym time in the evenings).
7. Give myself a break. Ha! Perhaps the hardest one on here. I am not perfect.

I am getting better at this. I am no longer "throwing in the towel" when I don't get in all 4 workouts, follow the cleaning schedule I created, or make a perfect dinner. I am doing better at stating where I need help and where I need to be ok with something not getting done at the perfect time or in the perfect way.
8. Read (for fun!) at least 5 days per week. Let's be real, I should be doing this 7 days per week, but starting with at least 5, I know I can do it.

Success. I am reading two really great books right now (one for the Kindle and a good old fashioned paperback for my before bed reading)- I am the Messenger by Marcus Zusack and 11/22/63 by Stephen King. Both page turners. Both involving complete suspension of reality. Both complete escapes for me.
9. Read to baby C every single night. This is hard as he would rather chew books than be read to. But, I want to do this. I love reading aloud and snuggling with my little guy. In my next life, I will be a children's librarian.

Yep. We love Eric Carle, Dr. Suess, and Sandra Boynton!

10. Turn OFF the TV (or at least enter a room in my house while my husband watches it) at least one hour before bed (so, at 9 pm most nights). I want to use the final hour before bed for reading, meditating, writing, thinking, just being- unplugged.

Ishy ish ish ish. I don't conscientiously do this. It does happen though :)

11. Get OFF the computer, iPhone, iPad at least TWO hours before bedtime each night.

I do sometimes have to violate this to get work done since I do work from home in the evenings. But I am trying to make that the only reason I am "plugged in" at night.
12. Create a monthly household cleaning schedule. One that is simple, easy to follow, and one that does not make me feel like all I do on the weekends is clean. I am looking to Pinterest for the inspiration.

Complete! I follow it most weeks...ish :) It at least helps me feel a little more organized.  If I miss Tuesday's vacuuming, I just seek to be better at #7, give myself a break, and take up that chore the next Tuesday (unless the carpets are exceedingly in need).
13. Go meat-less at least one day per week. I have heard of others doing this. I want to start doing this- for my health, my family's health, and for our environment. Thank you, Peas and Thank You, for recipes that will make this more enjoyable.

I have not done this as consciously as I want, but I have done it. I am also focusing on more whole and natural foods in our diet.  This week has been a good week for that!  We love our Green Bean Delivery.


14. And yes, I continue to drink good coffee and read good books (see #8 above)!

be mindful

Ok, I'll admit it. I just ate a few dill pickle potato chips. And I had pancakes for breakfast. And I skipped yesterday's workout because I wasn't feeling well and had a cheeseburger for dinner.

I am not perfect. I don't eat perfectly. I don't workout perfectly. But something I am learning as I recommit myself to healthier habits (not indicated above...but everything in moderation right?!) is that even small steps are worth it.

What's not worth it? Sacrificing health for the sake of saving a few calories and trying to look like a magazine's description of beauty rather than focusing on healthy living.

Special K and their marketing is really troubling me right now. The idea of replacing two meals a day with processed cereal or cereal bars in the name of quickly losing a few inches frustrates me.

When we focus so much on shape and size rather than the actual health of our bodies we are doing ourselves a disservice. We are endangering our health and well being. We are not teaching our children that health trumps size or shape. That what is on the "inside" matters far more than what is on the outside. Unfortunately so much about our society looks only at the outside to make judgments. Commercials speak to our desire to look great for an upcoming reunion or vacation rather than learning how to develop a lifetime of healthy living.

I wrote about my imperfections above to show that I am vulnerable. I know how to make better choices but I don't always do so. Making those choices is hard, especially when it's the end of a long work week and takeout burgers sounds way better than prepping, cooking and cleaning up after a meal.

No matter your imperfections or how many times you fall off the proverbial wagon, remember this: a cereal bar is not going to get you back on track.

Try an apple. Or a handful of raw nuts. Or a glass of water when you don't know if you're hungry or just bored.

And set your sights higher than that next big event. Be proud of your body each and every day. And work to honor it each and every day with good, moderate choices. Choose whole foods (nuts, fruit, veggies) when you can. Focus on how you feel rather than the number of inches.

Add activity to your day, and eat the foods that will give you the energy for that activity. Whole foods and whole grains are much better for that than anything processed.

Be mindful of your body and how you feel...not how our society tells you you should feel. Slimmer is not necessarily healthier.

Be kind to yourself.