i never realized

I recently said I could write a novel about what this past year has meant to me. I am not ready to write that novel, but this blog is a good place to start. There is so much more to come.

Over this past year:

I never realized how strong I could be...or how weak. Childbirth is no joke. All pain aside, the sheer energy of waiting, pushing, waiting, pushing, waiting, pushing then ultimately having a c-section completely drained me.

I remember when the doctor came in to tell me she felt that at this point in my labor a c-section was best, I cried. I cried because I wasn't going to have the delivery I expected. I cried because I had not slept in 24 hours. I cried because I was exhausted.

I cried and yet all I could think was, finally, there is an "end" to all of this.

And then I heard my son's cry and I all I could think was, "this is just the beginning."

I never realized how much my body would endure after pregnancy, getting back into shape, nourishing my baby, waking around the clock, being at someone else's constant beck and call.

I have never felt so weak..and yet so strong (as a mother, a nourisher, a caretaker).

I never realized how much I could love my husband. How amazing he would be at loving me and loving our son. How much I need him.

I have never felt so weak or (with him) so strong.

I never realized how much I could love someone so new, so tiny, so needy, so loud, so tiring, so unpredictable.

I never realized how much I could love.

I have never felt so weak.

I have never felt so strong.