weaning

A year-long journey is coming to an end this week.  It will be a gradual ending but one still wrought with a few tears (already shed) and a bittersweet ache in my heart as I say goodbye to what has become a powerful bond between my son and me. 

As we enter the week of C's first birthday, I am beginning the weaning process from breastfeeding. Again, this will be a gradual weaning for both C and me. It won't be completely done for a few weeks, but it is the beginning of the process that is hardest for me.

One year ago, I never thought I'd be here. One year ago as I sat on my couch in tears, my newborn screaming for his next meal, the previous one not yet 2 hours before. One year ago as I sat groggily up in bed night after night, less than 2 hours of sleep between me and the next wake up, nursing a hungry, crying baby, completing a task no one else could do. One year ago as I eeked out just enough milk after a few pump sessions to leave our baby with my husband for a few hours to attend the wedding of a friend.

I understand that I don't have to do this right now. Kellymom.com has a great post on this, and I agree with it. But as a working mother who relies on a pump to feed my child during the day, I am ready to be done. Making time for pump breaks (which I am grateful to have both by law and a supportive work environment) is very difficult in the midst of a busy day. It's been worth it this year, but I can't say I am sad to see it go.

I still plan to nurse each morning and evening as I am able during this time of weaning and hopefully for a few more weeks, maybe even a couple more months. That's the plan, though we will see how it goes.  

I never realized how much I would love sharing this with my child.  I am not a breastfeeding nazi. I believe in every woman and her partner making the choice that is best for their family. Exclusive breastfeeding simply isn't possible for some, and it may even cause more stress for mother and baby to the point that the baby benefits more from a mother choosing not to nurse rather than stressing through it.  My time nursing has been mostly pleasant (save for the pump and those early months when I felt I couldn't do anything without my child) and I am grateful for that. I think that is why this time is much more bittersweet than I expected.

I look forward to a little more freedom in my feeding options for C.  I look forward to continuing to introduce new foods in his diet and watching him explore new tastes.  I look forward to all that is coming as we celebrate his first year of life and watch him grow and develop over this next amazing year.

So for now, I will gradually watch this chapter in our life close knowing that the end and beginning of many, many exciting chapters lie ahead.

I am grateful and amazed that I have been able to completely nourish my child this year.  I look forward to the independence he is slowly gaining and the ability to continue nurturing and supporting him as he grows, takes his first steps, discovers his voice, and creates his own identity in this world. 

what do you do?

There are some wonderful articles and blogposts out there about how you're never failing as a mother, how you can raise your children "perfectly" without having to be perfect, how to overcome our Pinterest-obsessed society and eschew the need to make every holiday a circus-level parade for your child, etc.

I get it.

I don't have to be the perfect mother even in this world of Facebook and social media that somehow leads me to believe every other mother is doing a helluva a lot better than I am.

What do you do when you have those doubts? (I know, every mother has them).

What do you do when your 8 hour a stretch sleeper suddenly screams his head off after only 3 or 4 hours and nothing seems to settle him down but the sound of the shower?

What do you do when you had plans for the evening thwarted by your child having a fit as you fold him back into his carseat for the upteenth time that day (after you've, guiltily, spent 6 hours at work away from him)?

What do you do when you realize you've been doing it all wrong, giving him a "crutch" to sleep when really you just love rocking him until his arms flop and his sweet face is nestled in your chest?

You move on.

You chalk it up to experience. You relish in the moments that are good, that seem perfect, in which you and your child are having the time of your life.

You lean not on your own understanding and trust that it does get better, not that it gets easier, but that you learn to how to deal.

I just need this reminder today, this morning, this Good Friday morning. This Good Friday when, a year ago, our son was due to be born. This day that reminds us that Easter is coming, a new beginning is on the horizon, and Spring will soon be here.

in a moment

I'm in a moment.

Baby sleeping. Head on my shoulder. Breathing even and deep.

I'm in a moment.

I can do this.
This is easy.
Peaceful.
Sweet.

I'm in a moment.

The carpet is unvacuumed. The floors are unmopped. Dust bunnies are marking their territory.

But I'm in a moment.

Pure joy rests on my shoulder right now.

A sleepy arm just flopped to the side.

Nothing else

Matters.

checking in

So it's been nearly a month since I set my 2013 goals.  I thought a post on how those are coming along would be nice. What you will note is that I am not perfect, but I am doing really well at goal # 7 and giving myself a break when I falter.

Here goes...

1. Set (attainable) goals for the new year (check!)...DONE!

2. Complete my Facebook workout challenges- 2 girlfriends I met while on the board of Girls on the Run (both mommas themselves) started a monthly workout challenge FB group recently. I just joined this week. They are "kick your butt" workouts, and my goal is to do them each week- no matter the time. I will make the time.  They can be done in my home so no excuse about not having time to actually make it out to the gym

I have had really great weeks where I get in all workouts and then some. I have also had weeks like this one where it's Saturday and I have only gotten in 2 workouts.  Have I given my all during those 2 workouts? You bet. Are 2 workouts better than no workouts? Absolutely!  Work this week was a bit wacky with an office move, and soreness from moving and unpacking boxes + mental exhaustion after dealing with some challenging situations (Student Affairs never gets boring!) led me to give myself a bit of a break physically. Some morning yoga today, though, was very refreshing.

3. Register for a 10K race in the Spring. I have never run a 10K. 5K,7 miler, 5 miler, half marathon, even a sprint triathlon have all been in my running repertoire, but never a 10K. I really, really wanted to run the Nashville Women's Half this  year, but working + baby juggling has hampered the whole get up and run 10 miles on a Saturday morning bit. I'll get there- maybe in 2014. For this year, a 10K is where I will re-join the running world.

DONE! I am running the Talk Walk Run 10K on April 27th. What I love about this is that it benefits Hear Indiana, which is an organization near and dear to a sweet friend I met through church.  
4. Train for said 10K. Thankful for our baby jogger- a wonderful Christmas gift!

I have downloaded a training plan and begun some pre-conditioning for this. When it was nice and warm this week I even went on a 20 minute easy run outside. No jogger this time, but I do look forward to sharing my runs with my little boy soon enough.
5. Change my attitude- I will make the most of my time at home rather than wishing I had more of said time at home.

Still need to work on this. Being a working mom is TOUGH. Mentally and physically challenging each and every day. Some days I feel like I am a champ! Other days I just feel like I want to crawl into a corner and eat my hair.
6. Go to bed no later than 10 pm each week night. Yes, I will do this. If dishes lie in the sink over night, so be it. I will be in bed by 10 pm to hopefully get at least 7 full hours of sleep each night (barring the occasional wake up from baby C).

Not doing so well with this. Most nights I think I do this, but I do bring work home (part of  my flexible work hours which I really appreciate!) and I am teaching a class this semester on top of my regular work load, so that leads to some late nights (especially if I do try to get in gym time in the evenings).
7. Give myself a break. Ha! Perhaps the hardest one on here. I am not perfect.

I am getting better at this. I am no longer "throwing in the towel" when I don't get in all 4 workouts, follow the cleaning schedule I created, or make a perfect dinner. I am doing better at stating where I need help and where I need to be ok with something not getting done at the perfect time or in the perfect way.
8. Read (for fun!) at least 5 days per week. Let's be real, I should be doing this 7 days per week, but starting with at least 5, I know I can do it.

Success. I am reading two really great books right now (one for the Kindle and a good old fashioned paperback for my before bed reading)- I am the Messenger by Marcus Zusack and 11/22/63 by Stephen King. Both page turners. Both involving complete suspension of reality. Both complete escapes for me.
9. Read to baby C every single night. This is hard as he would rather chew books than be read to. But, I want to do this. I love reading aloud and snuggling with my little guy. In my next life, I will be a children's librarian.

Yep. We love Eric Carle, Dr. Suess, and Sandra Boynton!

10. Turn OFF the TV (or at least enter a room in my house while my husband watches it) at least one hour before bed (so, at 9 pm most nights). I want to use the final hour before bed for reading, meditating, writing, thinking, just being- unplugged.

Ishy ish ish ish. I don't conscientiously do this. It does happen though :)

11. Get OFF the computer, iPhone, iPad at least TWO hours before bedtime each night.

I do sometimes have to violate this to get work done since I do work from home in the evenings. But I am trying to make that the only reason I am "plugged in" at night.
12. Create a monthly household cleaning schedule. One that is simple, easy to follow, and one that does not make me feel like all I do on the weekends is clean. I am looking to Pinterest for the inspiration.

Complete! I follow it most weeks...ish :) It at least helps me feel a little more organized.  If I miss Tuesday's vacuuming, I just seek to be better at #7, give myself a break, and take up that chore the next Tuesday (unless the carpets are exceedingly in need).
13. Go meat-less at least one day per week. I have heard of others doing this. I want to start doing this- for my health, my family's health, and for our environment. Thank you, Peas and Thank You, for recipes that will make this more enjoyable.

I have not done this as consciously as I want, but I have done it. I am also focusing on more whole and natural foods in our diet.  This week has been a good week for that!  We love our Green Bean Delivery.


14. And yes, I continue to drink good coffee and read good books (see #8 above)!

be mindful

Ok, I'll admit it. I just ate a few dill pickle potato chips. And I had pancakes for breakfast. And I skipped yesterday's workout because I wasn't feeling well and had a cheeseburger for dinner.

I am not perfect. I don't eat perfectly. I don't workout perfectly. But something I am learning as I recommit myself to healthier habits (not indicated above...but everything in moderation right?!) is that even small steps are worth it.

What's not worth it? Sacrificing health for the sake of saving a few calories and trying to look like a magazine's description of beauty rather than focusing on healthy living.

Special K and their marketing is really troubling me right now. The idea of replacing two meals a day with processed cereal or cereal bars in the name of quickly losing a few inches frustrates me.

When we focus so much on shape and size rather than the actual health of our bodies we are doing ourselves a disservice. We are endangering our health and well being. We are not teaching our children that health trumps size or shape. That what is on the "inside" matters far more than what is on the outside. Unfortunately so much about our society looks only at the outside to make judgments. Commercials speak to our desire to look great for an upcoming reunion or vacation rather than learning how to develop a lifetime of healthy living.

I wrote about my imperfections above to show that I am vulnerable. I know how to make better choices but I don't always do so. Making those choices is hard, especially when it's the end of a long work week and takeout burgers sounds way better than prepping, cooking and cleaning up after a meal.

No matter your imperfections or how many times you fall off the proverbial wagon, remember this: a cereal bar is not going to get you back on track.

Try an apple. Or a handful of raw nuts. Or a glass of water when you don't know if you're hungry or just bored.

And set your sights higher than that next big event. Be proud of your body each and every day. And work to honor it each and every day with good, moderate choices. Choose whole foods (nuts, fruit, veggies) when you can. Focus on how you feel rather than the number of inches.

Add activity to your day, and eat the foods that will give you the energy for that activity. Whole foods and whole grains are much better for that than anything processed.

Be mindful of your body and how you feel...not how our society tells you you should feel. Slimmer is not necessarily healthier.

Be kind to yourself.

thirteen goals for 2013

It's 6:20 am on a Saturday morning.  In this relatively new world of mom-dom, I am happily awake while husband and baby snooze away, enjoying some much needed quiet "me" time with my coffee and a hilarious book.

We are five days into the new year, and I wanted to write out some of my goals (not resolutions- I hate resolutions) for the new year. A few of my friends have posted these on their blogs, and I would much rather see my list in my favorite Georgia font than scribbled out on the sheet of notebook paper currently wadded up in my purse.

Here goes. In 2013, my goals are as follows (and lets make 13 of them. Why not?):

1. Set (attainable) goals for the new year (check!)

2. Complete my Facebook workout challenges- 2 girlfriends I met while on the board of Girls on the Run (both mommas themselves) started a monthly workout challenge FB group recently. I just joined this week. They are "kick your butt" workouts, and my goal is to do them each week- no matter the time. I will make the time.  They can be done in my home so no excuse about not having time to actually make it out to the gym.

3. Register for a 10K race in the Spring. I have never run a 10K. 5K,7 miler, 5 miler, half marathon, even a sprint triathlon have all been in my running repertoire, but never a 10K. I really, really wanted to run the Nashville Women's Half this  year, but working + baby juggling has hampered the whole get up and run 10 miles on a Saturday morning bit. I'll get there- maybe in 2014. For this year, a 10K is where I will re-join the running world.

4. Train for said 10K. Thankful for our baby jogger- a wonderful Christmas gift!

5. Change my attitude- I will make the most of my time at home rather than wishing I had more of said time at home.

6. Go to bed no later than 10 pm each week night. Yes, I will do this. If dishes lie in the sink over night, so be it. I will be in bed by 10 pm to hopefully get at least 7 full hours of sleep each night (barring the occasional wake up from baby C).

7. Give myself a break. Ha! Perhaps the hardest one on here. I am not perfect.

8. Read (for fun!) at least 5 days per week. Let's be real, I should be doing this 7 days per week, but starting with at least 5, I know I can do it.

9. Read to baby C every single night. This is hard as he would rather chew books than be read to. But, I want to do this. I love reading aloud and snuggling with my little guy. In my next life, I will be a children's librarian.

10. Turn OFF the TV (or at least enter a room in my house while my husband watches it) at least one hour before bed (so, at 9 pm most nights). I want to use the final hour before bed for reading, meditating, writing, thinking, just being- unplugged.

11. Get OFF the computer, iPhone, iPad at least TWO hours before bedtime each night.

12. Create a monthly household cleaning schedule. One that is simple, easy to follow, and one that does not make me feel like all I do on the weekends is clean. I am looking to Pinterest for the inspiration.

13. Go meat-less at least one day per week. I have heard of others doing this. I want to start doing this- for my health, my family's health, and for our environment. Thank you, Peas and Thank You, for recipes that will make this more enjoyable.

14. BONUS goal: Continue to do THIS....

butterflies

I received a book for Christmas that had been on my wish list (thanks to Pinterest) and I simply posted "if you are a mom please read this" in my last post.

I have been laughing hysterically through the first few chapters, feeling validated on so many of my feelings from choosing to get an epidural and straying from my perfect birth plan to those feelings of guilt I have when I think to myself: "wouldn't formula just be easier?"

One line that struck me in the midst of my laughter is this one, in regards to the author's husband: "But his life hasn't changed like mine has..."

Let me start by saying this: I am blessed beyond belief to have a partner in my husband and father of our son who not only loves me but loves C with every ounce of his being. Papa C is an "all in" papa- changing diapers, giving bottles when needed, doing laundry, cleaning baby spit up, helping out around the house, etc., etc. He's great. So my commentary on the above quote is not at all a criticism of my husband.

To continue: I think Amy Wilson's observation is spot on.

I feel that for women, the changes of parenthood go far deeper than the obvious- going from a party of 2 to a party of 3(+), sleeplessness, your time and your pocket book no longer being your own.  The list goes on. And for women, that list goes deeper.

Chris has never had to struggle with the question of whether or not to return to work.  This was simply not a question that entered his mind nor is it one that others asked him throughout our entire pregnancy.  His body never endured a humongous change, nor was his ability to continue running ever hampered by such a massive change (or sheer exhaustion).  His very identity hasn't changed in the way mine has (or maybe it has- I've never asked!). Let me put it this way- he's never expressed to me that he feels his identity has changed.

I, on the other hand, feel a bit like I am enduring an identity crisis. I am Colin's mom. I am also a working mom, a higher education professional, a professor, a volunteer. While I identify readily which each of those things, I feel incredibly guilty when any of the latter four take precedence over my time with C. Not to mention that I don't even identify as a runner any more (and lest we forget that is where this entire blog started).

When I do have moments in which I think I should (if given the opportunity) give up work entirely in order to focus solely on being C's mom, then I grow anxious that I will never identify as anyone other than his mom, that once he is old enough to start his own little career of pre-school and beyond, that I won't have any way to fill my time or identify as anything other than a mother. And that terrifies me.

I feel that as a woman, I will struggle either way. As a working mom, I feel guilty dropping my baby off at daycare each day, leaving him in the hands of others to "raise" for the day. On the flip side, when I think about life as a SAHM, I feel I will only be seen as a woman who can't handle it and is taking the "easy" way out. (**Please note, that latter feeling is not how I personally feel about SAHMs. It is simply how I perceive the way SAHMs themselves are perceived by society. I for one think that being a SAHM can be just as challenging as balancing work and home life).

This struggle is why I think Amy Wilson is spot on. I just don't feel that fathers experience the kind of identity struggles that mothers do when babies enter their worlds.

And yet as I sit hear tonight with my sweet boy snoozing away in his crib, I think to myself:

Perhaps I am overreacting.

Perhaps my hormones are still raging 9 months postpartum.

Perhaps I just need to be grateful for the blessing that is baby C and move forward with much less critical analysis of what it all "means."

Perhaps.

And the more I think the more I realize I do know this: "If nothing ever changed, there would be no butterflies." (Words of wisdom shared at the wedding of a friend this Spring). With change comes great anxiety (for me) and yet without it, I would miss out on so much beauty. Despite my identity crisis, there is an abundance of beauty in the addition of this sweet blessing in our life.

So I will end this post with a little less analysis and little more gratitude- gratitude for all of the butterflies in my life and those yet to come, even amidst the difficulties that come before the beauty arrives.

Thank you for indulging me.